Carmelita and the Magical Tap Shoes
by honkugly
Summary: In the Grim Grotto, almost every character goes insane. Esme gets obsessed with noodles, Carmelita won't stop tapping, and Klaus gets a bloody nose. The insaneness returns in the Penultimate Peril and after The End. Rated PG: Slapping and Bloody Noses
1. Carmelita and the Magical Tap Shoes

**Carmelita and the Magical Tap Shoes**

Once upon a time the Baudelaires and Fiona were taken upon the _Carmelita_ to go to prison. When they came in they were escorted by Count Olaf into the rowing room where Miss Spats was tap-dancing.

"Isn't she gorgeous?" shouted Esme.

"Yeah, whatever," said Olaf.

"C IS FOR CUTE, A IS FOR ADORABLE, R IS FOR RAVASHING, M IS FOR GORGEOUS-"

"Why on Earth are you shouting?" questioned Olaf to Carmelita.

"M can't stand for gorgeous," pointed out Klaus. Carmelita threw a tap shoe at him.

"KLAUS!" screamed Fiona.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme.

"TAP SHOES!" screamed Carmelita.

"SNAKES!" screamed Uncle Monty, who was dead.

"GRAMMAR!" screamed Aunt Josephine, who was also dead.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" screamed Violet.

"Oh, good," said Olaf, "Then I won't have to kill them again."

"MAGICAL TAP SHOES!" screamed Carmelita.

"Why on Earth are they magical?" asked Fiona, "One of them gave Klaus a bloody nose."

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping her noodle everywhere.

"I quit," said one of the snow scouts.

"Could I have some more of that please?" said Olaf, who was wearing an apron.

"Alright, alright," said Fernald walking in the room, "What's wrong with all of you?"

"Klaus and I are the only ones sane," said Fiona.

"POODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a poodle everywhere.

"ANIMAL ABUSE!" screamed Violet.

"CUTE, ADORABLE, RAVASHING, GORGEOUS, MAGICAL TAP SHOES!" screamed Carmelita.

"S-u-p-e-r-c-a-l-i-f…." began Olaf.

"What are you spelling?" asked Klaus.

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" shouted Olaf.

"I see," said Fernald.

"What do you incline to do about this?" asked Klaus.

"Well, I think we better pause the book right here and take a long break," said Fernald, "We'll come back tomorrow and see if anyone is sane this time besides you guys. You know what, you guys go kiss for a couple of hours and I'll watch this. It's actually quite entertaining."

And they did just that. The next day everyone was a little saner and the book went just fine.


	2. Carmelita and the Cakesniffers

**Author's Notes: I really didn't expect this to be such a hit. I was kind of in a hurry. But you all loved it so I'm back for more. I'm taking a break from my other stories to think a while about them and what should happen. Meanwhile, old Carmelita will have to entertain you.**

**Carmelita and the Cakesniffers**

On top of the last safe place Carmelita sat on her boat playing pirate as Esme was getting interviewed. Violet entered to see what Esme wanted.

"Isn't she darling?" questioned Esme.

"Yeah, whatever," said Violet.

"PIRATES!" screamed Carmelita.

"MONEY!" screamed Esme.

"PAPER!" screamed Geraldine Julinne and threw her paper in the air.

"CONCIERGES!" screamed Violet.

"Alright, what's wrong with you this time?" said Fernald, who wasn't there.

"CAKESNIFFER!" screamed Carmelita as she pointed to Fernald.

"I'm not a cakesniffer," said Fernald.

"CAKESNIFFING FERNALDS ON THE FAT HOTEL! CAKESNIFFING FERNALDS ON THE.." screamed Carmelita.

"Shut up, Carmelita," said Fernald.

"What's going on?" questioned Klaus who had arrived after showing his ex-boss the sauna.

"KLAUS!" screamed Fiona, who wasn't there. She ran over and started maliciously kissing him.

"Fiona," said Fernald, "Could you guys do that somewhere else, please?" Fiona couldn't here him and Klaus was choking.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a noodle everywhere. By this time Fiona had been enveloped so much in Klaus that she didn't see where she was going and fell in the water.

"GET OFF MY SHIP," screamed Carmelita.

"Excuse her," said Klaus, meaning Fiona, "She thinks I'm really cute."

"THEN SHE"S A CAKESNIFFER!" screamed Carmelita.

"Oh, no," said Klaus seeing Fiona's expression.

"Did you call me a _cake_sniffer?" implied Fiona.

"CAKESNIFFING FOUR-EYES IN THE SWIMMING POOL! CAKESNIFFING FOUR-EYES IN THE SWIMMING POOL!" screamed Carmelita.

"DOODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping some paper with drawings on it everywhere.

"CAKESNIFFING FOUR…" started Carmelita. Klaus punched her in the nose.

"Revenge is sweet," said Klaus.

"Oh, my gosh," said Fiona , "I didn't know you were so brave" She started maliciously kissing him again.

"It-was-just-a-girl-Fiona," choked Klaus. Everyone hoisted Klaus up on their shoulders and went to get pizza to celebrate Carmelita's temporary unconsciousness.


	3. Carmelita and the Catfight

**Author's Notes: Ha! This is hilarious. **

**Carmelita and the Catfight**

Klaus and his sisters arrived on Briny Beach after their experience on the island. The Quagmires, the Widdershins, and Carmelita Spats were there to greet them.

"KLAUS!" screamed Fiona.

"KLAUS!" screamed Isadora.

"TAP SHOES!" screamed Carmelita and put on furry slippers before she began tapping around the beach.

"MONEY!" screamed Esme, who was dead.

"SNAKES!" screamed Uncle Monty, who was also dead.

"IKE!" screamed Aunt Josephine, who was also dead.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" screamed Violet.

"Good," said Olaf, "Then I…"

"YOU'RE DEAD TOO!" screamed Violet.

"_Ding-dong, Count Olaf's dead!_" sang Captain Widdershins.

"Guess what, everyone?" said Beatrice, the Baudelaire's mom "I'm alive!"

"YEA!" said everyone.

"MOMMY!" screamed Sunny.

"And Klaus, I say you're not old enough to have a girlfriend," said Beatrice Baudelaire.

"Mom, I'm fourteen," said Klaus.

"Well I'm fifteen and I'm the cutest girl in the world," said Carmelita.

"Unless," said Mrs. Baudelaire, "You love one of these lovely girls."

"I know I'm lovely," said Carmelita.

"I wasn't referring to you," said Mrs. Baudelaire.

"You mean us?" said Fiona.

"Yes," said Mrs. Baudelaire, "Isadora and Fiona."

"WHAT???" screamed Carmelita, "THAT SHIP IS MINE!! KLAUS IS MINE!!"

"Never," said Fiona and began a catfight with her. Meanwhile, Klaus and Isadora held hands and walked off into the sunset.

"GET OFF MY SHIP!" said Carmelita.

"THAT"S WRONG!" screamed Violet.

"_Slinky, slinky, oh, what a wonderful toy…"_ sang Captain Widdershins.

"What's wrong with all of you?" asked Fernald.

"_HEY, HEY, YOU, YOU, I can be your girlfriend!_" screamed Captain Widdershins.

"THAT"S WRONG!" screamed Violet. Captain Widdershins walked over too Klaus and Isadora.

"_Shalalalalala, Don't stop now, don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss the girl,_" sang Captain Widdershins.

"Why don't we just pause the book right here…" started Fernald.

"KISS MY…" started Olaf, who, as we previously discussed, was dead.

"That's nice, Olaf," said Fernald.

"THAT'S WRONG!" shouted Violet.

"THAT"S IN!" screamed Esme, who, as we previously discussed, was also dead.

"TURKEY!" screamed Sunny.

"We can't pause the book, I'm afraid," said Isadora sweetly, "I think Lemony decided he was rich enough and stopped following us."

"HE'LL NEVER BE AS RICH AS ME!" screamed J.K. Rowling.

"How come Harry died and came back to life?" asked Klaus.

"Yeah!" agreed everyone else.

"I DON'T KNOW! I WANTED TO KILL HIM! I HATE ALL PROTAGANISTS!" screamed J.K. Rowling as she left SnicketWorld.

"Those books were silly anyway," said Klaus before he continued kissing Isadora.

"POGO-STICKS!" screamed as she hopped around on a pogo-stick in death.

"WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO SAVE YOU ALL FROM INSANITY?" screamed Fernald. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing.

"Ok, I'll be dead," said Esme and died.

"Good," said Fernald.

"I'll find you some day," said Carmelita as she backed away.

"You know," said Isadora, "It we be a lot easier to find us if you stayed with us."

"Oh, goody," said Carmelita, "Then I'll fight the Widdershins girl until I die."

"EN GARDE!" screamed Fiona.

"BRING IT ON!" screamed Carmelita.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a noodle everywhere.

"I give up," said Fernald, "But I'll watch you anyway."

"GOOGLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a beanie toy manufactured by Ganz everywhere.

"_Snogging and eggnogging, snogging and eggnogging,_" sang Captain Widdershins as he watched Klaus and Isadora and drank eggnog.

**Author's Notes: Characters and settings used in this story are Lemony Snicket's. J.K. Rowling owns herself. Ganz owns the Googles Webkinz. (I seriously had nothing to rhyme with noodles this time so please understand. **

**Capt. Widdershins songs:**

**A parody of **_**Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead **_**from ****The Wizard of Oz.**

**Property of whoever owns Slinky.**

**Property of Avril Lavigne; **_**Girlfriend**_** (I'm not sure if that's how you spell her name.)**

**Property of Disney and Alan Menken; **_**Kiss The Girl **_**from ****The Little Mermaid.**

**Property of me!!!!!**


	4. Carmelita and the Coffee Shop

**Carmelita and the Coffee Shop**

The Baudelaires went to get some coffee at Starbucks. The Quagmires, the Widdershins, Beatrice, Beatrice, and Carmelita Spats followed them in.

"Oh, it smells so beautiful in here," said Isadora as she strokes Klaus' hair. Klaus hugged her and they decided to go make out on the couch.

"Two decaf mochas," said Isadora and Klaus in unison before they began making out.

"Oh, coffee has such a fine smell!" exclaimed Violet.

"HEY!" said C.S. Lewis, who didn't live in Snicketland, "It's beginning to sound like I wrote this dialogue. Why can't you just speak normal?" C.S. Lewis left Snicketland.

"EWWWW!" screamed Carmelita, "COFFEE SMELLS FUNNY!"

"JUST LIKE YOU!" screamed Fiona, "KLAUS IS MINE!" Fiona and Carmelita continued battling. Klaus and Isadora couldn't resist giggling.

"Yo, all you girls out there," said Quigely, "Come to Quigley, the new Zac Efron." Everyone stared at Quigely. Even the coffee and the whip cream on little girl's frappucino stared at Quigley.

"Please excuse him," said Duncan.

"Did you just say my mother was ugly?" said Quigley, "HUH?!! HUH?!!"

"You're mother is my mother too," said Duncan, "Why would I say that? Please release me from your grasp." Quigely did as he was told.

"I wonder why they call it Starbucks," wondered Beatrice Baudelaire.

"This is where the Joe is," explained Sunny to Beatrice Snicket.

"I've come back to haunt you forever," said Esme, who was dead.

"ME TOO!" screamed Count Olaf. Esme banged a pot on his head.

"TOOTLES!" screamed Olaf as he died again.

"_Crank dat Souja Boy…_" sang Captain Widdershins.

"Oh, Klaus…."

"Isadora…"

"SNAKES!" screamed Uncle Monty, who was dead.

"LEECHES KILLED MY HUBAND!" screamed Aunt Josephine, who was dead.

"I'M A REALTOR!" screamed Violet. Aunt Josephine died again.

"I'M A SPY FROM THE HERPETOLOGICAL SOCIETY!" screamed Violet. Uncle Monty died again. Quigley kept trying to pick up a girl, Captain Widdershins kept trying to remember the words to Souja Boy, and Duncan stood quietly in a corner.

"_Weebles wobble but they don't fall down,_" sang Captain Widdershins.

"Duncan, what would you like?" asked Violet sweetly.

"I don't need anything," said Duncan, blushing.

"GET THE MISTELTOE OUT!" screamed Captain Widderhins, who was obsessed with everyone else's love affairs, as he displayed in the previous chapter.

"What the heck is going on out there?" asked Bob, the owner to his employee, Christina.

"I don't know," admitted Christina, "But it's quite amusing."

"Don't worry about," said Bob, "Just make that crappucino."

"It's referred to as a frappucino, sir," said Christina.

"DID YOU JUT CALL HIM SIR?" screamed Sir, who wasn't there, "HIS NAME IS BOB! CALL HIM BOB! MY NAME IS SIR SO CALL ME SIR!" Sir left, even though he wasn't there.

"I don't know what that was all about," blurted Bob, "But you corrected me. Never do that again!" Bob slapped Christina.

"ASSUALT!!!!" screamed every single character in A Series of Unfortunate Events, dead or alive, good or evil, in a book or not in a book, mentioned or not mentioned, allergic to sunflowers or not allergic to sunflowers.

"DESTROY HIM!" screamed Esme. Everyone went to destroy Bob except Klaus, Isadora, and Duncan. They went over to check on Christina.

"Are you alright," asked Klaus.

"Yes," I'm fine answered Christina, "What's your name?"

"CARMELITA SPATS!" screamed you-know-who.

"Oh," said Christina, "I wasn't referring to you. I was referring to this lovely gentleman."

"I AM A LOVELY GENTLEMAN!" screamed Carmelita Spats. Everyone gasped except Bob, who had just died, thanks to Esme's pogo-stick.

"My name is Klaus," said Klaus, "These are my friends, Isadora and Duncan."

"Here," said Duncan, "I'll get you an ice pack." (**A/N: ICE PACKS!**)

"Oh," said Christina, "That's so sweet of you." She kissed Duncan.

"Crap," said Violet, "Now, I'm stuck with Quigley."

**Author's Notes: The characters are all Lemony Snicket's except Bob and Christina. Starbucks owns Starbucks. C.S. Lewis owns himself. **

**Captain Widdershins Songs:**

**Property of Souja Boy Tell 'Em.**

**I seriously have no idea who owns it.**

**I'm sorry but the Esme and the Noodle joke is gone because I can't think of anything else to rhyme with noodle.**


	5. Carmelita and the Evil Surgeons

**Author's Notes: Seriously, I have no ideas for this story except this one, and it's pretty silly.**

**Chapter V: Carmelita and the Evil Surgeons**

Carmelita Spats was the girl you would refer to as snobby, bratty, selfish and rude. She always talked about how wonderful she was and how horrible everyone else was. That is, until the day she met the Band of Evil Surgeons…

The gang that had gone to the coffee shop together in the last chapter was hanging out with Christina at her favorite place, the library. The librarian was repeatedly telling Carmelita to shut up. Eventually, the librarian literally kicked her out of the building as the Baudelaires and Quagmires chuckled.

"You all seem to be too sane," said Klaus, "I guess this is the end of this annoying and random book."

"Yes," said Isadora, "I suppose so. But I'll miss making out with you every chapter."

"And I'll miss that catfight I had with the brat," said Fiona.

"I'll never forget when J.K. Rowling popped her head in and claimed she was richer then Lemony."

"I'll never forget Esme," said Sunny, "She was funny on a pogo-stick!"

"And remember when she had that noodle…" Klaus began.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme. Everyone giggled. Everyone except Quigley. He didn't think giggling was a cool thing to do for a boy. Well, he was desperate to be cool. He went to a bunch of cool groups. They always turned him down. I'm getting off topic again. Ok, back to the point.

"I'm going to stalk you for the rest of your life," said Esme as she left, hopping on a pogo-stick and randomly slapping a noodle, a poodle, and a beanie toy manufactured by Ganz around.

"Well," said Captain Widdershins, "She's the only funny thing left. Looks like the story's over."

"No, it's not," said Christina, "Even if Snicket has dumped you and even if this dumb author person dumps us (no offense author person) we are still together. We'll always be together. Now, let's read some books." Everyone read some books and it seemed that the story had ended.

Ah, but you may be wondering what has been happening with Carmelita during this time. After she was kicked out of the library, Carmelita met up with some evil orthodontist who gave people braces even when they didn't need them.

"Well," said Carmelita, "I could use you."

"I have many allies as well," said the evil orthodontist.

"I'll need them all. Meet me at this library in one hour," said Carmelita, "And bring you're associates. I shall have revenge! MUAHAHAHA!" Then there was an evil moment where the imaginary camera zoomed in on Carmelita's throat while she was laughing and the whole world fell down. (Not really, just, you know, figuratively. IT WAS AN EVIL LAUGH!)

Now, inside the library, the Baudelaires were laughing along with the Quagmires, the Widdershins and Christina while reading books and remembering this strange story.

"I wonder what Carmelita will do," wondered Klaus, "After all, this story _is _named after her."

"I suppose she's looking for some friends," said Violet, "Although, she'll never find any. She's too bratty."

"Yea," said Fiona, "She's a pain in the…"

"HEY!" screamed Count Olaf, "I'm the only one who can use foul language around here. She's a pain in the…" But Olaf never got to say what Carmelita was a pain in. At that moment the entire building began shaking. As suddenly as it had begun, it ceased. But at that moment the lights went out.

"AAAH!!" screamed everyone. There was a shattering of windows, a rip, and a scream. Everyone made for the door but they were stopped by a mysterious figure.

"Hello, suckers," said the recognizable, snobby voice, "I thought you might want to meet some of my friends." Suddenly, the lights came on and the gang was surrounded by a number of cruel-looking doctors.

"Do you're worst," said Carmelita, "I'll be watching."

"Our pleasure," said one of the doctors who appeared to be an orthodontist.

"I'm going to give Violet a weird nose job!" screamed a surgeon.

"I'm going to give Klaus worse eye vision and take his contacts so that he'll have to wear those ugly glasses again," said the optometrist.

"I'm going to make Sunny's teeth duller and give Duncan unnecessary braces," said the orthodontist.

"NO!" screamed Violet.

"I'm going to give Isadora plastic surgery that people use for beauty," said a surgeon.

"NO!" screamed Klaus.

"I'm going to de-bob Fiona's hair," said a stylist.

"NO!" screamed Captain Widdershins.

"I'm going to tear Fernald's hooks out and replace them with dolphin poop!" ejected a hand surgeon.

"That's seriously stupid," commented Fernald.

"I'm going to perform unnecessary surgery similar to that occurring in _The Hostile Hospital _to Quigley," spit out a naughty, naughty surgeon.

"I'm going to kill Beatrice!" screamed a surgeon known for his well-handling of babies. This drew a fine gasp from all the people in the room, including the surprised person who mentioned it.

"Why, Carmelita, why?" screamed Klaus as the optometrist grabbed her eye tools and strapped Klaus to the floor.

"Because…….because……," Carmelita began. Soon, Klaus realized she was crying. Klaus knew this time had to be coming soon.

"WHAT THE HECK IS A CAKESNIFFER ANYWAY?" balled Carmelita, "My father…..told me………..he was wrong. It's not right. NOOO! I don't know why dead people come alive, I don't know who killed my parents, and I don't know why I'm so mean. CEASE!"  
Everything in the room paused. This had not been anticipated, not been expected, certainly not by anyone in the room.

"When someone feels miserable they try to make other people feel miserable," said Carmelita as she wiped her tears, "But it never helps. Go! All of you! Out! Surgeons, take the money. But don't lay a finger on them."

"What on Earth is going on?" questioned Violet.

"I don't know," said Duncan, "But let's hope it turns out for the better."

**Epilogue of **_**Carmelita and the Magical Tap Shoes**_

This concludes our telling of the outrageous tale of insanity in A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Baudelaires never saw Carmelita again and lived happily ever after with their friends. Carmelita's family and ego still remain a mystery. Mysteries aren't always solved. But insanity must end. Therefore, you may now choose to forget the insanity of all these amusing characters or remember them and keep it fresh in your mind and close to your heart, as I will.


End file.
